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HELPFUL TIPS FOR PREPARING FOR THAT
NEW CAT
Take cold chicken and stars soup straight from the can and
splash it across the carpet and the foot of the bed and then walk in it in the
dark with your socks on.
Set up a mouse trap at the foot of the bed each night so that if you move a toe
one inch while you are sleeping, you are sure to get snapped.
Cover all your best suits with cat hair.
Dark suits must use
white hair, and light suits must use dark hair.
Also, float some hair
in your first cup of coffee in the morning.
Put everything cat-toy-sized into a water bowl to marinate.
Practice cutting your chicken into teeny tiny bites so that when the cat steals
from your plate, he won't take the whole breast.
Tip over a basket of clean laundry, and scatter clothing all over the floor.
Leave your underwear
on the living room floor, because that's where the cat will drag it anyway
(especially when you have company).
Jump out of your chair shortly before the end of your favorite TV program and
run to the TV, shouting "No! No! Don't chew on the electric cord!"
Miss the end of the program.
Put chocolate pudding on the carpet in the corner of the living room in the
morning and don't try to clean it up until you return from work that evening.
Gouge the surface of the dining room table several times with a knife.
It's going to get
scratched anyway.
Practice searching every closet and open cabinet door before you shut it.
Knock all small items off your kitchen counter.
Chew the eraser off every pencil in the house.
Take a fork and shred the roll of toilet paper while it's still hanging up.
Pull a few sheets off
and scatter them around the bathroom.
Take a staple remover, punch two holes in every scrap of paper around the house.
Get a litter tray without a lid and mix in some small swiss rolls with cat litter
and then tip it over right before the company comes. Make sure your guests get
to find this before you do.
Buy a mixed bag of cat toys and stuff them under the refrigerator.
Practice getting up at
2AM and fishing them out with a ruler or broom stick.
Take a warm cuddly
blanket out of the dryer and immediately wrap it around yourself.
This is the feeling
you will get when your new cat falls asleep on your lap.
There now, once you've done all these, you've passed the test, and are ready to
take on that little furry critter!
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